Ted Shiress

After The Windrush

Posted on | May 4, 2018 | 3 Comments

Two things are certain in this world: I am no fan of the Tories; I AM a fan of Neil Young. Combining these two facts I have rejigged the words to After The Goldrush to After The Windrush. I feel it won’t be appropriate for me to sing, but if you fancy trying give me a message!

Well, I dreamed I saw the good men and women
From Jamaica coming,
Staying here for eternity.
There were people working and
Economy boosting
And everyone was so free.
There were spirits glowing
So much fun
It was perfect to a tee
Look at how they came to help the country
In the nineteen seventies.
Look at how they came to help the country
In the nineteen seventies.

I was sitting in my grubby bedroom
With BBC News on my phone
I was reading about deportation
What I read I hoped were lies
There were rants going in my head
And I felt I was going to cry
Thinking about all the things I read I was hoping they were lies
Thinking about all the things I read I was hoping they were lies

Well I dreamed I heard the sliver-haired witch saying
All these folk need to go home
There were people crying
And loved ones dying
And not even reason one
Was it a dream, was it a dream?
Had ethnic cleansing begun?
But Great Britain is their home
Mrs May you fucking bum
Great Britain is their home
Mrs May you fucking bum

81.5%

Posted on | April 20, 2018 | No Comments

This is probably a pointless moan but I’ll get it out there. I was just poking through my Youtube analytics and it seems 81.5% of my traffic (in watch-time not hits – a vital difference for what I’m about to say) is watched without subtitles. In some ways the fact that enough people out there feel they don’t need them is very flattering, but, I just want to check – DO PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY’RE THERE?! As someone who shamelessly thinks he should get much more traffic than he does, I decided to subtitle because enough people told me this would make my videos much more accessible, however I guess I was banking on more people using them. I’ll carry on but consider this just me saying: HELLO, I SUBTITLE!

I’m aware this will probably only be read by people who know me well enough that they don’t need subtitles to watch my videos so, as I said, it’s a pointless moan; but nonetheless it’s out now. I’m feeling better, thank you.

xxx

It’s Been A While

Posted on | April 8, 2018 | No Comments

Mid-gag

Many have gathered I haven’t been gigging much recently – and by very much I mean at all. There are various reasons for this all which vary in validity; the most valid being there aren’t that many gigs in Cardiff now and traveling is a bitch. Less validly we have my chronic cough – which is a pain but isn’t normally bad enough to totally ruin a 10-20 minute set and even if it is I can joke my way out of it – and the fact I’m focussing on Youtube. The second reason is again absolute bullshit, it doesn’t take too long to make a video or compose a set and approving audience members = potentially loyal Youtube subscribers.

Anyway last week I had my first gig in… well, I don’t know how long… and I have to say I really enjoyed the experience. Admittedly I did the pretty standard 15 minute ‘Best Of’ type routine so any extreme praise can be countered with ‘Yeah, I’ve been tweaking some of these bits for over five years – too right they kill!’ but nonetheless I very much enjoyed the experience.

Will I gig more in 2018? Well as of yet I have no big plans but I do hope to have a few more little gigs and see where they take me. I know I have an hour of solid stuff and I’m sure a lot of the anecdote-based videos I made about eighteen months ago that didn’t really work would be much better as stand-up. Who knows, I might totally get my mojo back!

Valentine’s Cards

Posted on | February 15, 2018 | No Comments

So Valentine’s Day rolled by and I didn’t get to use the cards I had designed – feel free to use them if you wish…
Affected

back

Doggy

Hard

Moan

Ride

Stairs

Superman

Keepin’ The Juices Flowing

Posted on | September 24, 2016 | No Comments

As mentioned previously I’m not gigging quite as much as previously, still just like a singer chewing gum I am trying to do the necessary to keep the ol’ creative juices flowing. I now attend a writers’ group where I knock out a creative piece bi-weekly. I did something similar a while back and made the mistake of sharing such rookie attempts with you – but this time I will only share the funny ones. (Often getting paid to be funny I think it’s now just a logical entailment that I am professionally funny.) So here are three for your enjoyment.

Should we keep it?

Last night nothing seemed to have a consequence, so passion and wine made our decision for us. The alcohol was flowing and our hunger was palpable. in the heat of the night we made our choice. Everything felt perfect, consequence was just a high scoring word in scrabble with no meaning. But now we wake up, sobered in our conscience knowing that there may be something there, living. Something there, waiting to grow. And all because of one decision we made under uncontrollable lust. And now we have another decision: do we get rid of it now? We might think we can keep it but we can’t.

Oh why didn’t we throw out the takeaway before going to bed.

My ‘Cheat’s Attempt’ to work with a set opening-line

“These are dark and evil days,” the mouse told me as he nibbled my ear, it was then I realised I was tripping, tripping hard. I then remembered Steve telling “Control the trip with positive thoughts, Ted” but that just meant the mouse now was saying that in between mouthfuls of lobe. What beats a mouse? A cat. Time to think catty thoughts and all will be OK.

A cat I said, a cute cuddly cat, not a lion! I was now engulfed in a lion’s mane a whisker away from his teeth. Its roar was bursting my eardrum like I was in the engine of a jet plane, I was certain I’d turn deaf.

It was after that I realised acid isn’t for me.

The Curse of The Music Nerd

“No, I think you will find Bob Dylan wrote it”, “Yes this song is OK but their first few albums were less commercial” are a few things I say uncontrollably. Why can’t I go out and let background music be background music?

Why can’t I worry more about how my drink is mixed and less about how the butchered version of one of my far from favourite songs playing is? The answer, I am a music nerd.

Do you want vinyl they ask, before I launch into a diatribe about digital sound, appropriate this would be were I not in a carpet shop. And the last time I heard someone recommend a certain tweeter I was there for ten minutes speaking about a speaker.

I am cursed by my love, not a love of a person but of sound.

What The *Ahem* Is Happening?

Posted on | September 22, 2016 | 1 Comment

Woke up this morning with a stiff neck – not the best of things but nonetheless far from fatal and something that normally comes with a fun story of how it happened. So, what is this epic tale of adventure that climaxed in mild muscular discomfort? Coughing!

To fill yourself in watch this video I made a while back…

Yes, I have this recurring ‘splutter’ that no-one can figure out; it’s a thing that comes and goes – annoyingly it always seems to go when I’m seeing a doctor about it – and no-one can shed any light on it. It was the other night I was out for a few drinks and I had a particularly bad fit and due to the already excessive haphazard way I move somehow did my neck a bit of no-good.

There are so many things that bring it on that I expect wouldn’t and vice versa that I don’t know where to begin. There’s times when I eat something spicy thinking it will make it much worse only to find the chilli functions as a muscle-relaxant and helps (so, wehey – I clearly have to eat lots of curry!). The only one thing that definitely seems to make it worse is taking a large drink after a rich meal – this particular episode was triggered by downing a pint of water after a three-egg omelette plus dessert (but I love my food so I’m not giving that up!).

Doctors and speech therapists don’t have a fucking clue. My GP has referred me to get a chest x-ray and see a speech therapist; the chest came back as all clear and the speech therapist sent me on my way after declaring it was ‘not her area’ – then what the fuck is?! After telling the speech-therapist food sometimes encourages (but does NOT cause it) we then took ten minutes discussing the fact that faulty swallows can sometimes cause a splutter, and this is added to by the fact I swallow often to regulate saliva. All very well but I explicitly stated this was a separate issue proving the meeting a complete waste of fucking time! (Well not quite, as discussing the question of ‘Spit or swallow?’ is always enjoyable!)

And yes, it has impacted my gigging life! I now regularly have to break my sets for a ‘splutter-break’ and explain to the crowd what is going on when I don’t actually know! There was a recent night of comedy mayhem where we did each other’s act, obviously the tension over who was ‘doing me’ caused me much pleasure – but I cringed at my mate saying ‘Remember the cough too!’. Not that I minded him saying it, but it just marked a startling sign that it was now ‘a part of me’.

I’m seeing this lovely girl with spastic cerebral palsy (yes, unlike I’ll have you believe on stage I’m neither a ‘Spastic’ or single) and in comparing notes we agree that athetosis (my form) makes things more awkward on the outside (because all your muscles want to do a bit of everything) but causes far fewer long-term muscular issues (for the same reason). I think this is the only real ongoing internal thing I suffer from, so maybe I’m lucky, but I still want a fucking answer! So if anyone can help, please do!

On another positive note, to compensate for the infrequency of my gigs I am posting a video every two days, so subscribers to my channel would be greatly appreciated!

Pre-Spack Dating

Posted on | June 1, 2016 | No Comments

dateclip
(Pre spack – press-pack, I was trying to morph the words into each other; it didn’t work, let’s move on.)

Once in a blue moon I go twenty-four hours without eating meat, Jeremy Hunt sees his own reflection and a 4×4 driver stops to let you cross. Also once in a blue moon I do something slightly serious on my Youtube channel and when that happens I will unashamedly milk every hit from it I can get.

A while ago I woke up with a mischievous grin (still tempted to murder but in a more playful way) and decided to do a rather predictable (for me) Disability Dating FAQ. In this I’d set out some typical questions people may have around dating disabled people, start to answer them and quickly divert to “give him a blowjob”.

Hahaha yes, very much the type of thing I’d do and no-one got hurt – or blown (sadly). Some viewers then fedback that they’d like to see a more serious version, and bizarrely (I think I was coming down with manful) I had a good think and gave them one.

Then one for disabled people dating non-disableds.

Then one for disableds dating disableds.

But wait, my generosity didn’t stop there! I even created transcripts for all the serious ones so those complaining I’m hard to understand (and deaf people who admittedly don’t deserve such abuse). They can be found in the descriptions like so…

So there they are, do what you wish with them.

Independence Masturbation

Posted on | May 29, 2016 | No Comments

I’ve said in the past I don’t have an issue with ‘inspiration porn’, people who get ‘inspired’ by disabled people doing the mundane- and I still feel those people are harmless albeit misguided and not worth fussing over. However many know pornography comes hand-in-hand with masturbation and I think we need to talk about the concept of ‘Independence Masturbation’ – the idea that disabled people use independence as a form of self-pleasure.

An episode which illustrates this perfectly took place in the gym recently where I was about to adjust the machine I was on, someone started to offer help then a regular punter lent in and said “He likes to do it himself”. To his credit I didn’t think I could be so angered by a handful of modals and pronouns but there is so much here that jarred. There is an implication here that a norm is being broken – usually someone would come running but Whacky Radical Ted does it his way – this is not true nor do I want it to be true. Disabled people cannot rely on random acts of kindness, yes there are a few things I ask when I’m out and I’m grateful when they’re done, but these are optional things not essentials. Everywhere I go without my PA I know I can be self-sufficient – that’s not to say a few tasks won’t be improved without help but that help is always optional – so helping me isn’t a mandatory task.

The word ‘likes’ also struck – and this is where I hope you’ll realise the masturbation analogy was appropriate. Here there was an implication that the task was being executed purely to make myself feel good, and it is true that independence is important to a lot of disabled people. However once we get older we realise independence is about the bigger picture and it doesn’t matter if that involves you doing small mechanical tasks or someone else. (Ironically I would like a random member of the public walking around setting everything up for me but I am fully aware this is an unreasonable ask.) There have been things I’ve done independently I have got pride from, but these are all big things – like traveling to NZ with no-one I knew bar my sister or the first time I went to a gig in another city by myself, whether I had help with the micro-tasks involved in these feats simply doesn’t matter.

I perform said tasks merely to continue being a functional member of society, doing things we consider should be done. It’s that simple.

(I guess I should stop thinking about wanking in the gym.)

DON’T OPEN IT!

Posted on | April 5, 2016 | No Comments

Ever been told to ignore dodgy-looking email attachments? I’m sure you have, but in the days of spam filters and anti-virus it’s easy to ignore such advice if a particular message catches your eye – just like it is to avoid backing up. And so yesterday I received an email saying I owed £900 for a fridge from a lawyer at a firm called ‘Life After Loss’, and weirdly it was addressed to me but at my parents’ address (in London, where I haven’t lived for a decade!). Stupidly my mind started making bizarre connections and asking irrational questions: ‘Why to my parents’ house?, Well, I don’t put it past dad to order something using my email to save him signing up’, ‘I remember my folks buying a new fridge’, ‘Life after loss? Well I lost my grandad two years ago, maybe it’s something to do with money he left’, ‘Yeah it’s probably a scam but why not look at it? It passed my spamguards and if it is still dodgy my anti-virus will zap it. It’ll make for good comedy no doubt!’. And so I downloaded this measly little Word file expecting that the very worst outcome would be AVG Antivirus shrieking “THREAT DETECTED, FILE IS NOT SAFE!”.

I was so wrong. AVG was blissfully unaware that anything was up, but it was. It turned out to be ‘Ransomware’, as soon as I viewed the file (which turned out to be some stupid terms and agreements) my computer started processing like shit and every file on my desktop turned white; I quit and discovered this to be apparent in every folder for every file bar mp3s and PDFs (and that would be just bearable if my entire 500+ manually ripped albums were in mp3 not AAC). I now cannot access my music, my comedy routines nor the original files of the Youtube videos you never watch.

Every folder now contains this html file with this lovely little message.

help

Basically ‘Pay up or you’re screwed’. At first I didn’t believe it and assumed simply googling ‘Maktub ransomware’ would tell me how to zap the problem – and it did, well one of the problems. I found thorough advice on how to remove the bug, which seemed to work and I’m reasonably sure my PC is no-longer infected. Still cleaning the computer is different to de-fucking my files. They remain as inaccessible as the buildings I should spend more time blogging about and nothing can change that. Apparently each attack works in a different way making it practically impossible to break the code, so I’m fucked.

One of the great ironies here is the ‘ransom’ itself, starting at 1.4 bitcoins (588 USD) for the first three days before it goes up. I am no way going to pay this sum as a, they are criminals and b, I’m reasonably sure it won’t work; but had it been something like £30 I’d have swallowed my pride, sucked those cyber-cocks, funding criminals in the desperate hope I get my files back.

So I sit here looking at some of my 500+ cd library no longer able to call any track up in three clicks, worrying about how many of my routines I can remember, apologising profusely to those I share Dropboxes with and feeling a total spaz. So, I know you won’t listen to something like this until it happens to you but: DON’T OPEN STRANGE ATTACHMENTS and BACK THE FUCK UP!

Devoted Ponderings

Posted on | March 9, 2016 | 1 Comment

So BBC3 have just put out a quite balanced (for them) documentary of devoteeism – sexual attraction towards disability, as a disabled person who is as chronically underlaid as he makes out on stage do I see a place for it? Well initially it seems fucking weird, trust me this thing is no fun and I struggle to see how someone would get off on it. But then again aren’t most of the things that turn us on bizarre? I find myself insanely appreciative of the organs females use to feed their newborn – EW, how sick is that?! And when put like that it does seem rather dark – yet it appears to be an urge shared by the majority of heterosexual males.

The question is what type of relationship would you consider having with a devotee, the idea of pursuing something meaningful and long-term with a devotee does initially seem somewhat degrading, but hooking up with one for a quick fuck – hell, I would! If there is any objectifying going on it is mutual – she’ll be taking advantage of my abnormalities but I would be doing the same with hers. I occasionally get contacted by this slightly strange yet perfectly polite American girl on OKCupid who is “into disability” and wants to do “webcam stuff” with me, I have always declined but a part of me feels ‘why not?’. Yes some disability activists may argue that she’ll be degrading my disability but some feminists will argue what I’ll be doing will be degrading her femininity.

However we like to say what we desire in a sexual partner, though are we always telling the truth? Dating more than before, I have discovered that a true romantic partner and a well suited friend who happens to have the right sexual organs are two very different things. The times when I have ‘clicked’ on a date there always been some sort of vulnerability on both sides and that has brought us closer than a shared love of blues or comedy. This is surely a milder form of the same thing devotees feel. The issue with devoteeism is it puts it out there from the start that this is attraction towards a vulnerability/disadvantage which seems rather sick, but when you scratch the surface of romantic attraction and connection it’s quite normal – or a highly exaggerated form of what is normal.

But yes, you couldn’t have a meaningful relationship with someone who just likes your disability and I’d advise strongly against trying, but if such attraction can help build a connection or get you a quick fuck – why knock it?!

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