Ted Shiress

What The *Ahem* Is Happening?

Posted on | September 22, 2016 | 1 Comment

Woke up this morning with a stiff neck – not the best of things but nonetheless far from fatal and something that normally comes with a fun story of how it happened. So, what is this epic tale of adventure that climaxed in mild muscular discomfort? Coughing!

To fill yourself in watch this video I made a while back…

Yes, I have this recurring ‘splutter’ that no-one can figure out; it’s a thing that comes and goes – annoyingly it always seems to go when I’m seeing a doctor about it – and no-one can shed any light on it. It was the other night I was out for a few drinks and I had a particularly bad fit and due to the already excessive haphazard way I move somehow did my neck a bit of no-good.

There are so many things that bring it on that I expect wouldn’t and vice versa that I don’t know where to begin. There’s times when I eat something spicy thinking it will make it much worse only to find the chilli functions as a muscle-relaxant and helps (so, wehey – I clearly have to eat lots of curry!). The only one thing that definitely seems to make it worse is taking a large drink after a rich meal – this particular episode was triggered by downing a pint of water after a three-egg omelette plus dessert (but I love my food so I’m not giving that up!).

Doctors and speech therapists don’t have a fucking clue. My GP has referred me to get a chest x-ray and see a speech therapist; the chest came back as all clear and the speech therapist sent me on my way after declaring it was ‘not her area’ – then what the fuck is?! After telling the speech-therapist food sometimes encourages (but does NOT cause it) we then took ten minutes discussing the fact that faulty swallows can sometimes cause a splutter, and this is added to by the fact I swallow often to regulate saliva. All very well but I explicitly stated this was a separate issue proving the meeting a complete waste of fucking time! (Well not quite, as discussing the question of ‘Spit or swallow?’ is always enjoyable!)

And yes, it has impacted my gigging life! I now regularly have to break my sets for a ‘splutter-break’ and explain to the crowd what is going on when I don’t actually know! There was a recent night of comedy mayhem where we did each other’s act, obviously the tension over who was ‘doing me’ caused me much pleasure – but I cringed at my mate saying ‘Remember the cough too!’. Not that I minded him saying it, but it just marked a startling sign that it was now ‘a part of me’.

I’m seeing this lovely girl with spastic cerebral palsy (yes, unlike I’ll have you believe on stage I’m neither a ‘Spastic’ or single) and in comparing notes we agree that athetosis (my form) makes things more awkward on the outside (because all your muscles want to do a bit of everything) but causes far fewer long-term muscular issues (for the same reason). I think this is the only real ongoing internal thing I suffer from, so maybe I’m lucky, but I still want a fucking answer! So if anyone can help, please do!

On another positive note, to compensate for the infrequency of my gigs I am posting a video every two days, so subscribers to my channel would be greatly appreciated!


One Response to “What The *Ahem* Is Happening?”

  1. Rebecca
    September 27th, 2016 @ 11:39 pm

    Thank you 💕

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